august 31 2020. what was supposed to be the start of the new school year. what i met (almost) every day of summer to plan. instead? kids scrambling to get on calls. me: leaning into the camera too close, making my forehead big and shiny and my eyes look tired. or maybe they just are tired. i am an english teacher who isn't bothering to capitalize. no, i am a literature teacher. who teaches english to american students anyway? aren't we all trying not to speak american anymore? most of my thought energy- and physical strength- when it wasn't spent on getting my kids on their calls, and helping them to keep from crying when they felt not smart enough for the math or reading or writing on their calls- was spent on the same conversation i have had since june 1. when will we reopen in person? how am i equipped to make this decision? i am not a scientist or doctor or expert. who is on the LT? and why is it called the LT? i have felt out of my league before, but the implications have never been so big. as in, i may let my baby cry through the night- but i dont'decide that for the whole neightborhood. or i may get divorced, but the col-d-sac doesn't have to follow suit. now suddenly the dominoes could start with me. what if it were different? where is my coastal town? where is that quiet place by the water where you are and it is blue and calm and i have this deep feeling of tranquility that seems to allude me these days... i guess blogger has gone to retro type. will i know when this nightmare is over? will it declare itself and run? show its grimy teeth and drool? or will it slip away slowly, like toddlerhood, until all is left is relief and an exhaustion so bone deep you almost forget to celebrate? i haven't written in so long i feel jagged around the edges. what did i used to write about, before i had work that consumed me? i wrote about v. maybe humans aren't meant for creative expoloration- most of us. maybe humans are designed to imprint the same form over, and over, and over again. maybe humans can duplicate and replicate and even add variation- but new forms totally freak us out and paralize us. maybe none of us really know what to do with something as unpredictible and unweildy as a pandemic- -- i am alternately bored and restless and vengeful. i check the news to see if covid has upended my school system and secretly hope it has. i am tired and heavy and uninspired. i hope to god there is something around the next horizon that makes me feel alive, again.